If you create a tangled web, make it sticky at least because no hot
broad is going to hang there waiting
to get killed/eaten forever.
Normally I'm all about the back story and building suspense, but let's just get into some lessons learned from slashers, serial killers, and the stupid teenagers who seem to excel at getting themselves and their friends killed.
1. Travel in packs.
Zombies come in hordes and eat teenagers because the teenagers only have so many bullets. Eventually we'll get down to hand-to-hand combat and let's face it--it's a numbers game. From the other end, the reason most horror movies have at least one survivor is that the survivor (usually inadvertently) feeds his/her friends to the horde.
If you're in the beginning stages of a startup or small business, make sure you've got others in your group. Some of them might end up being fodder later on, but it's good to have some depth. Before it gets bad you might even have fun with some of them and every additional person you bring along can carry additional ammo (work hours), gasoline (work background and skill sets), and other necessities (machetes when the going gets rough).
2. If you know who the psycho killer is, exploit their weakness.
All of us may not be equipped to kick arse for the lord, but if you're being hunted by a werewolf don't stab it in the heart with a stake. That's just going to make it more upset and probably get you eaten (at best) or turned into a werewolf (also at best). If you know who your foe is, don't play fair. Kick them in the groin! If you shoot the head you kill the ghoul! Most of the time the heroes and heroines of horror films have the right tools for the job, usually inexplicably, but more often teenagers end up dead because they play to the killers' strengths instead of their weaknesses. Which brings us to our next point...
1. Travel in packs.
Zombies come in hordes and eat teenagers because the teenagers only have so many bullets. Eventually we'll get down to hand-to-hand combat and let's face it--it's a numbers game. From the other end, the reason most horror movies have at least one survivor is that the survivor (usually inadvertently) feeds his/her friends to the horde.
If you're in the beginning stages of a startup or small business, make sure you've got others in your group. Some of them might end up being fodder later on, but it's good to have some depth. Before it gets bad you might even have fun with some of them and every additional person you bring along can carry additional ammo (work hours), gasoline (work background and skill sets), and other necessities (machetes when the going gets rough).
2. If you know who the psycho killer is, exploit their weakness.
All of us may not be equipped to kick arse for the lord, but if you're being hunted by a werewolf don't stab it in the heart with a stake. That's just going to make it more upset and probably get you eaten (at best) or turned into a werewolf (also at best). If you know who your foe is, don't play fair. Kick them in the groin! If you shoot the head you kill the ghoul! Most of the time the heroes and heroines of horror films have the right tools for the job, usually inexplicably, but more often teenagers end up dead because they play to the killers' strengths instead of their weaknesses. Which brings us to our next point...
Come in, childrenz! Free cookiez & stabbingz for all. 3. If you've reached the point where you need to run, aim for a car, tree or getaway strategy. Avoid the spooky forest and/or abandoned buildings.
Yes, for some people a simple warning is never enough. Take this dude's advice: don't go into the woods. You're going to get killed.
This is another way you play to your opponents' strengths. It's safe to say that as a creepy loner who likes to keep to the shadows and kill young upstarts like you, the psychopath chasing you around is going to be totally Unicorns & Rainbows when you run into an abandoned church in the middle of the woods. Now is the time to take the high ground. If you're being hunted by a vampire, make sure you're in sunlight. If you're being hunted by zombies, climb a tree (zombies can't climb, nobody knows why). If you're going up against Wal-Mart, fight them on labor issues and customer service, don't engage them on low prices. If you need to exit out of your business, try picking a strategy with multiple egresses instead of backing yourself into a corner.
4. Listen to the crazy old guy who has eerily specific warnings about why your plans are going to get you killed.
Judd Crandall knows what he's talking about--sometimes dead is better. Do you ever wonder how that old guy got crazy? Probably from watching people getting eaten.
Sometimes the old coot is just an old coot, but there might be a grain of truth in what they're saying. If someone is volunteering to be your mentor you should at least listen to them. As the founder of a new small startup, the one thing you don't lack is eagerness and the one thing you do lack is experience. Trust elders in your neighborhood when they say that bad things happen to excitable youngsters who venture into the woods and think nothing bad will happen. For some people, a warning is never enough.
Yes, for some people a simple warning is never enough. Take this dude's advice: don't go into the woods. You're going to get killed.
This is another way you play to your opponents' strengths. It's safe to say that as a creepy loner who likes to keep to the shadows and kill young upstarts like you, the psychopath chasing you around is going to be totally Unicorns & Rainbows when you run into an abandoned church in the middle of the woods. Now is the time to take the high ground. If you're being hunted by a vampire, make sure you're in sunlight. If you're being hunted by zombies, climb a tree (zombies can't climb, nobody knows why). If you're going up against Wal-Mart, fight them on labor issues and customer service, don't engage them on low prices. If you need to exit out of your business, try picking a strategy with multiple egresses instead of backing yourself into a corner.
4. Listen to the crazy old guy who has eerily specific warnings about why your plans are going to get you killed.
Judd Crandall knows what he's talking about--sometimes dead is better. Do you ever wonder how that old guy got crazy? Probably from watching people getting eaten.
Sometimes the old coot is just an old coot, but there might be a grain of truth in what they're saying. If someone is volunteering to be your mentor you should at least listen to them. As the founder of a new small startup, the one thing you don't lack is eagerness and the one thing you do lack is experience. Trust elders in your neighborhood when they say that bad things happen to excitable youngsters who venture into the woods and think nothing bad will happen. For some people, a warning is never enough.
Rigorous research shows that the ratio of time spent on looking pretty instead of learning machete skills
is positively correlated to being super dead later on.
5. Teenagers don't care about the evil spirits in the darkness you're trying to tell them about. They just want to go to an abandoned cabin, drink booze and have sex. Know your audience!
The crazy old guy from #4 makes the #1 mistake of small businesses--trying to sell what they think people need rather than what they want to buy. Even if your advice is sound, we all know the teenagers just want to bump uglies.
If the old guy from #4 said, "Hey kids, here are some condoms, 25 rolls of Molly and a key to my liquor cabinet--I'm going out for a while but just be safe, OK?" he probably would have saved heaps of teenagers from a grisly end. Instead of adapting to his audience the old guy from #4 expects his audience to heed his advice based on the fact that he has "experience." Fatal mistake, old dude. Heaps of teenagers. Dead. Again. Then maybe alive again? Ruh roh.
6. Don't rest too readily--just because you're sure you've killed the killer doesn't mean he/she/it can't come back to life. That's why god made sequels.
If you've gone up against the Army of Darkness and have prevailed, you should probably realize that there is no rest for the heroic. As you become more successful and well loved, you will be rewarded with even tougher foes. Several things are certain in life: death, taxes and competition. If you've found a niche where you're seeing profits, other sharks will smell the blood in the water. Make sure you've got a good corner with strong defenses, otherwise the murderous horde will consume you.
The crazy old guy from #4 makes the #1 mistake of small businesses--trying to sell what they think people need rather than what they want to buy. Even if your advice is sound, we all know the teenagers just want to bump uglies.
If the old guy from #4 said, "Hey kids, here are some condoms, 25 rolls of Molly and a key to my liquor cabinet--I'm going out for a while but just be safe, OK?" he probably would have saved heaps of teenagers from a grisly end. Instead of adapting to his audience the old guy from #4 expects his audience to heed his advice based on the fact that he has "experience." Fatal mistake, old dude. Heaps of teenagers. Dead. Again. Then maybe alive again? Ruh roh.
6. Don't rest too readily--just because you're sure you've killed the killer doesn't mean he/she/it can't come back to life. That's why god made sequels.
If you've gone up against the Army of Darkness and have prevailed, you should probably realize that there is no rest for the heroic. As you become more successful and well loved, you will be rewarded with even tougher foes. Several things are certain in life: death, taxes and competition. If you've found a niche where you're seeing profits, other sharks will smell the blood in the water. Make sure you've got a good corner with strong defenses, otherwise the murderous horde will consume you.
I find it unreasonably frustrating when parents usetheir children as political pawns.
7. Check yourself for mommy issues.
One of the most frustrating things that happens to good entrepreneurs is that they let someone else's agenda take over their success, just like that sweetheart Jason Voorhees did with mommy dearest. We all were picked on in high school--this is why we have razor wit and successful careers. Make sure that you're not buying into the game by over-purchasing fancy cars and big houses. One of the surest ways to compromise your startup's financial future is to mortgage it for your ego. As the inimitable Warren Buffet says, "The best thing you can do if you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging." Ditto, my brother, ditto.
8. Don't lose focus on the Evils, even if the hottie in your group wants to lead you away to the forest (again: for some people, a warning is never enough!!!) and make sweet, sweet love to you.
If you forget about the impending heaps of bodies sure to be heading your way in the near term and instead run off with the hottie, you basically have two likely outcomes:
1. You have mindblowing sex and all your friends get murdered by a psychopath.
2. Your friends survive and you get get murdered before you even sleep with the hottie. Also, he/she is probably murdered in front of you, then you're chased until you're exhausted with terror and eventually stabbed in the neck with something simultaneously blunt and sharp.
One of the most frustrating things that happens to good entrepreneurs is that they let someone else's agenda take over their success, just like that sweetheart Jason Voorhees did with mommy dearest. We all were picked on in high school--this is why we have razor wit and successful careers. Make sure that you're not buying into the game by over-purchasing fancy cars and big houses. One of the surest ways to compromise your startup's financial future is to mortgage it for your ego. As the inimitable Warren Buffet says, "The best thing you can do if you find yourself in a hole is to stop digging." Ditto, my brother, ditto.
8. Don't lose focus on the Evils, even if the hottie in your group wants to lead you away to the forest (again: for some people, a warning is never enough!!!) and make sweet, sweet love to you.
If you forget about the impending heaps of bodies sure to be heading your way in the near term and instead run off with the hottie, you basically have two likely outcomes:
1. You have mindblowing sex and all your friends get murdered by a psychopath.
2. Your friends survive and you get get murdered before you even sleep with the hottie. Also, he/she is probably murdered in front of you, then you're chased until you're exhausted with terror and eventually stabbed in the neck with something simultaneously blunt and sharp.
If the doominess of the field and the happiness of the creepy (most likely murderous) little kids seem
positively correlated, RUN FO YO LIFE. YOLO.
9. Ask for directions.
Q: What's the best way to not get murdered in a cabin in the middle of nowhere?
A: Don't go into the cabin in the middle of nowhere.
So many heaps of teenage bodies could be avoided if people just stopped, asked for directions and then drove there directly without taking stupid sidetracks down dark roads.
If there's something outside your realm of expertise, just stop and ask for directions. There are so many resources out there for free. Don't get murdered. Ask for help, even if the only person around is a creepy old guy.
10. If you haven't seen some members of your group for a while and you've seen heaps of dead teenage bodies, it is OK to assume they've been murdered. Get out of there and leave them for dead.
It's a good thing so many entrepreneurs were total losers in high school. At least we're prepared for rejection and loneliness. You can count on being abandoned by people at some point, most likely when you need them the most. At the same point, you may have to leave some of your group members to get eaten by monsters. If you're tempted to go back and try to save someone who is definitely lost, just remember that everyone likes a hero, especially the monsters: heroes are the tastiest.
Special thanks to Dread Central for inspiration and references.
Q: What's the best way to not get murdered in a cabin in the middle of nowhere?
A: Don't go into the cabin in the middle of nowhere.
So many heaps of teenage bodies could be avoided if people just stopped, asked for directions and then drove there directly without taking stupid sidetracks down dark roads.
If there's something outside your realm of expertise, just stop and ask for directions. There are so many resources out there for free. Don't get murdered. Ask for help, even if the only person around is a creepy old guy.
10. If you haven't seen some members of your group for a while and you've seen heaps of dead teenage bodies, it is OK to assume they've been murdered. Get out of there and leave them for dead.
It's a good thing so many entrepreneurs were total losers in high school. At least we're prepared for rejection and loneliness. You can count on being abandoned by people at some point, most likely when you need them the most. At the same point, you may have to leave some of your group members to get eaten by monsters. If you're tempted to go back and try to save someone who is definitely lost, just remember that everyone likes a hero, especially the monsters: heroes are the tastiest.
Special thanks to Dread Central for inspiration and references.
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